Spitz: Pitches that miss home plate

A vague beat draws curveball pitches.

I’m not sure if it’s because co-workers throw me under the bus – “Yeah, sure, send it to Spitz” – or public relations firms in California, Canada and Chicago randomly find my name in cyberspace. All I know is “community columnist” is the go-to person for any round peg in search of a square hole.

Usually, I keep my thoughts to for myself and press delete, but this week’s crop of emails built-in a few in desperate need of answer.

Noteline: National contest searches for kids to be the face of Boogie Wipes

Message: Small Busy Bodies, maker of the well loved saline nose wipe for kids called Boogie Wipes, is launching a nationwide contest to find ordinary kids doing extraordinary things to honor them on their new Boogie Wipes 90-count canisters. … Would you be interested in more information?

Answer: Thanks, but I reckon I’ve got all the information I need. Particularly after learning it’s called the ‘Snot Your Average Kid Search.

Noteline: Prince Harry to get his own comic book and graphic novel

Message: The attention of the world is still meant squarely at the Royal Family from the wedding of the century, and now it’s time to focus our attention on the Wild Child, Prince Harry. From his upbringing with his mother, Princess Di, and his father, Prince Charles, to his wild partying and his military experience, all doors are opened and all parts of his life are on show.

Answer: Wow. Hard to visualize pub crawls as comic book fodder, but I’d sure be interested in talking to the person who thought this thought was brilliant.

Noteline: Don’t Go Barking Mad this Holiday Season!

Message: Hey Julia, I just like these harvest from Dog is Excellent! They specialize in making fun, witty and stylish harvest for dog lovers and their pets! Their harvest will be the perfect gift for persons dog lovers in your life! I beyond doubt recommend the “Never Drink Alone” line or their “It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Ends up in a Cone” line!!

Answer: OK, “It’s all fun and games until someone ends up in a cone” made me laugh, and I’m sure my Lucy appreciates sly sarcasm as much as the next dog. Still, I remain in no danger of going barking mad alternative out a perfect doggie-themed Christmas gift. In August!! And exclamation points, like gifts for pets, should be doled out sparingly, if at all.

Noteline: Dollin, Are You a Digital Drama Queen?

Message: Dear Ms. Spitz, Do you know a digital drama queen? You know the type – they just have to post their every go and activity on Facebook or Twitter, and if their actions hurt someone else, oh well, after all – it’s all about them!

Answer: Yes. And you get points for “Ms. Spitz” rather than assuming we’re on a first-name basis. The prelude to a pitch for the new book “With Just One Click” is intriguing. But no matter how many publicists reckon I’m the paper’s book reviewer, my boss just doesn’t see it that way.

Noteline: Introducing Teething Bling ‘teethable’ jewelry! Gorgeous for moms, safe for babies!

Message: Safe from Phthalate, BPA, PVC and lead, this non-toxic and dishwasher-safe jewelry is the most unique teething accessory out there! Let your baby teethe on your jewelry – that’s what it’s calculated for!

Answer: Points for innovative product. Look, I know the thought of saying “No” to a child is as passe as pantaloons, and $19.99 isn’t a Tiffany price tag. Still, I reckon I’ll stick with crazy, time-honored work-arounds. Like not encouraging a child to reckon of Mom’s jewelry as chew toys.

Noteline: Check out the new Anti Stab vests!

Message: Top Quality Bulletproof and Anti Stab Vests! Click here to Like us on Facebook!

Answer: Wow. Am I out of touch. It has never once crossed my mind to “like” anti-stab vests on Facebook.

Noteline: Dinah Shore Home Sells – Billy Joel Still Trying

Message: Just like real public, even the homes of well-known public can be a hard sale in today’s market. The late Dinah Shore’s Palm Springs home finally sold after two years on the market (former boyfriend Burt Reynold’s Florida home sat on the market for nearly five years before he gave up in 2010), but Billy Joel’s estate in the Hamptons continues to linger after several years and a price reduction from $22.5 million to $16 million.

Answer: My first reaction is to hum a few bars of “The Longest Time,” but I guess that’s heartless of me, huh? Whoa, oh oh oh. After all, they’re just like real public. Only with $16 million homes once valued at $22.5 million.

Your pitch gets points for lack of exclamation points, and I’m sure the folks with $225,000 mortgages on homes now valued at $160,000 feel the Piano Man’s pain.

But I’d be hard-pressed to churn out 20 inches of heartfelt angst on this one.

Unless, of course, Joel is relocating to Framingham or Bellingham or anywhere that falls under the rule of “community columnist” fodder.

Julia Spitz can be reached at 508-626-3968 or jspitz@wickedlocal.com. Read the Spitz Bits blog at http://blogs.wickedlocal.com/spitzbits.

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